How’s this for a New Years gift: An open letter from WW’s new Arts & Culture intern Samantha Herman to Buckethead, the mysterious guitar God/total weirdo who played at the Crystal Ballroom last night with the Portland Cello Project.

Dear Mr. Buckethead,

After seeing your show last night at the Crystal Ballroom, I want you to know that you are a genius. Granted, your guitar skills are worthy of mention, but I think you know to what I am referring. Your anonymity, your poise, your desire to speak only through your guitar—brilliant. People love mystery and intrigue and you have certainly delivered.

First off, I would like to thank you for no longer wearing KFC buckets. While they are flashy, I believe there is a statement inherent in that choice. KFC has come under a lot of fire for using factory farm chicken, and even though it has been reported that chickens scratched your face so badly you must wear a mask, I believe that you have love in your heart for the chickens that raised you. Therefore, you would never want to see them being treated so cruelly. Unfortunately, your fans still don the KFC buckets. Since you don’t speak, let’s hope that actions speak louder than words and your fans realize the err of their buckets.

A question, if I may: Were those long brown tresses I saw last night your real hair? With your mask and your bucket, I have trouble differentiating the real parts from the fake parts.

Lastly, there is speculation that you are part robot. (There is also speculation that you are related to Colonel Sanders or that you are actually Paul Gilbert, but those suggestions are so outlandish that I refuse to even discuss them.) Frankly, after seeing you execute the robot onstage last night, I believe that is more than just speculation. Also, you played with nunchucks onstage, which leads me to believe that you are, in fact, half robot and half ninja. That would also explain the lack of microphone since ninjas generally don’t talk.

Although I have read many interviews and biographies that identify you as Brian Carroll from Southern California, I subscribe to the notion that ignorance is bliss. Brian is not nearly as interesting as Buckethead, and being inspired by a 1980s slasher flick doesn’t have the same appeal as a man raised in a chicken coop with abusive cocks. So for me, the mystery lives on. Here’s hoping that you continue to be less creepy than Michael Jackson with your Disneyland obsession, and that you are always the shred-tastic Buckethead we don’t know and love.

Your Fan,
Samantha Herman

P.S. I peed at least once during your set last night—the show was surprisingly long! I didn’t see you leave the stage for an extended period of time and I couldn’t see your legs, which leaves me hoping that you did not “pull a Fergie”. Please confirm that you did not do the deed chicken-coop style.

Links:
BucketheadSpace

Photo courtesy of the Internet