Sometimes I try to play it cool while the other blogs are beating me to posts about quirky Portland music news. Today I have plenty of excuses why LocalCut didn’t report on Menomena’s upcoming foosball challenge at Jackpot! Records (find all the information at the bottom of this post) this Saturday. But instead of letting this one slide out of sheer embarrassment and pride, I’ve decided to compare the End Hits and Pitchfork coverage of the radical event in a little segment I like to call “I JUDGE YOUR BLOGS!” Catchy, huh? Well, this is the only time I’m ever going to do it, so enjoy.

BUT FIRST: I found a portion of Danny Seim’s Menomena Tour Diary that hints at the seedy (that’s a double entendre and you’ll soon see why!) beginnings of Menomena’s foosball fascination.

“We went out to a cannabis bar (legally! wow!) and I watched Brent, Justin, Jonas, and Sascha duke it out over a foosball table. The little white ball looked like it was flying at me in 3-D, and the spinning plastic men left neon trails behind their little spinning feet. Overhead, the smiling face of Bob Marley watched over us all from a tattered poster. I ate a Snickers, then four mini bags of Doritos. Man, that was awesome.”

So I think I know what the “special gifts” are.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

The Headlines

End Hits:
“Play Foosball vs. Menomena”

That’s quick to the point. But then you can’t dilly-dally if you want to get breaking news onto the web before Pitchfork and LocalCut. The Ace is notorious for speed. He’s like a cheetah.

Pitchfork:
“Menomena Issue Record Store Day Foosball Challenge”

Okay, this is really bad. Is there a new Menomena issue? Does Menomena put out a record on the same day as a a foosball challenge? I’m left confused and disgusted. Pitchfork’s headline just raped me.

Jokes ‘n’ References:

End Hits:
Calling foosball “The Sport of Kings” gets a chuckle.

Using the term “Calcio Balilla” is less funny than it is Wiki-inducing, but when used in conjunction with a mention of “Team Mercury,” the joke becomes just how seriously the Merc takes its foosball. So seriously that they call it by its native name. That, to me, is funny.

Ezra gets dinged slightly for superfluous bolding, but for something he knocked out in a matter of minutes, I’ll rate this a solid B+.

Pitchfork
“As if they weren’t already near and dear to our hearts, Menomena have gone and brought foosball into the equation.” Aww, that’s sweet.

“Instead of releasing an exclusive single or screening a 3-D music video, the Portland, Oregon trio will celebrate Record Store Day by descending upon their local independent shop to challenge all comers to a game of the not-that-popular-anymore (except at the Pitchfork office!) table sport.” A little wordy, but I follow you. This self-reference is less humorous than the one made by End Hits.

Pitchfork gets points for adding references to other Record Store Day hijinx, but then loses points for having so many goddamn links.

Photoshop Prowess:

End Hits:

I haven’t used a graphics program since Paintbrush on PC, but to me this is funny. The table is in the bathtub with the Menomenans, and they already looked freaked out. Suddenly the photo (which neither site credited to the lovely and talented Alicia Rose, something that’s going to really piss her off) makes sense.

Pitchfork:

It’s almost uncanny that Pitchfork would think to do a similar photo-edit. Shit, I was just going to put up a picture of Pele or something. Clearly, this photo doctoring job lends itself to many questions. Why is Menomena in a foosball table? Why are they wet? Are the bars sticking through them? This makes no fucking sense. And that’s why they ran it tiny.

Winner: End Hits!

Now here’s the poorly edited press release you’ve all been waiting for:

Record Store Day (April 19th) event - MENOMENA vs. YOU

At Jackpot Records Downtown (203 SW 9th Ave)

1-3 pm Free, All Ages Invited

Local Portland band, MENOMENA will be challenging Jackpot Records customers to free foosball for National Record Store Da If your lucky enough to beat the band, your name will go in a hat and one lucky winner will win free special gifts. The band will also be bringing their private collection of vinyl and DJ’ing during the event.

For general informatin for record store day visit recordstoreday.com

And by the way, you should do this. The Menomena guys are super nice, and I bet they totally suck at foosball. Though Danny Seim’s long arms would enable him to be a one-man spinning machine.

Links:
MenomenaSpace
The Merc’s End Hits
Pitchfork

Photo: Team Mercury (left) takes on Team Pitchfork (Right) in an Epic foosball tournament.